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Neblina

Discussion in 'Foro para Haiku, orígenes y derivados' started by emivargas, Jul 7, 2021. Replies: 7 | Views: 576

  1. emivargas

    emivargas Poeta asiduo al portal

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    Oscuridad
    por la densa neblina.
    Se estrellan coches.
     
    #1
    emivargas, Jul 7, 2021
    LUZYABSENTA likes this.
  2. Maramin

    Maramin Moderador Global Staff Member Moderador Global Corrector/a

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    Si en el último verso hubieras puesto "choques de coches" te hubiera quedado un excelente haiku.

    [​IMG] ​
     
    #2
    Maramin, Jul 7, 2021
    emivargas likes this.
  3. emivargas

    emivargas Poeta asiduo al portal

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    Gracias amigo.
    En la expresión que sugieres encuentro una cacofonía que no me agrada mucho. En todo caso, estrellar y chocar son sinónimas.
    Sin embargo, muchas gracias por la sugerencia.
     
    #3
    emivargas, Jul 7, 2021
  4. dragon_ecu

    dragon_ecu Esporádico permanente

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    Contrario a la poética en español pendiente de las rimas y asonancias, la poética japonesa evita las rimas y no considera las asonancias.
     
    #4
    dragon_ecu, Jul 7, 2021
    emivargas likes this.
  5. Maramin

    Maramin Moderador Global Staff Member Moderador Global Corrector/a

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    Evitas un verbo y una metáfora.
     
    #5
    Maramin, Jul 7, 2021
    emivargas and dragon_ecu like this.
  6. emivargas

    emivargas Poeta asiduo al portal

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    Gracias amigo.
     
    #6
    emivargas, Jul 8, 2021
  7. emivargas

    emivargas Poeta asiduo al portal

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    Gracias amigo.
     
    #7
    emivargas, Jul 8, 2021
  8. LUZYABSENTA

    LUZYABSENTA Moder Surrealistas, Microprosas.Miembro del Jurado Staff Member Moderadores

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    Bella imagen que deja esa transformacion de duda y forma aneblinada.
    me gusto. saludos de luzyabsenta
     
    #8
    LUZYABSENTA, Jul 17, 2021

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