Dream Of Lovers

poroeta dijo:

[center:ec9b2e8e19]

DREAM OF LOVERS


I offered you everything I had,
my body, my life, my soul at your feet,
everything I gave, nothing I spared
everything you took and left.

Memories I have inside me,
remind me of the life I had beside you,
they haunt me in my sleep,
torment the part of me that loves you.

In the brightest day I dream,
in my darkest night I call you,
is this the fate of those you love?
taste the sweet and poison from you?

Dream the dream of lovers—love,
taste the joys that life provides us,
feed on its lies, rainbow colored,
in the end discolor...your innocent intent.[/center:ec9b2e8e19]

Haz clic para expandir...

Very very good poem, it speaks of pain and desire, like so many loves end up being.

"is this the fate of those you love?
taste the sweet and poison from you?"

I like this pair of questions...
If I might suggest something, in the last line you use the word "discolor", I don´t know if you mean colorless or stained. The literal meaning for discolor is to change the color into something it´s not supposed to be, like a stain, or yellowing and fading from too much sun exposure. This is a valid meaning within the context of the poem, but you use it as a verb, where it may sound better as an adjective: discolored. If, on the other hand, you mean "without color", then "colorless" is also a valid choice, meaning either white, without value, or insipid. I´d suggest one of two possibilities,

in the end discolored...your innocent intent

in the end colorless...your innocent intent

Also, it flows a bit better if you put the complete infinitive in the case of:

taste the sweet and poison from you?"

I´d adjust a couple of things in this verse to:

"In the brightest day I dream,
in my darkest night I call you.
Is this the fate of those you love,
to taste the sweet and poison from you?"

I separated the first two lines from the second two with a period, dividing two ideas with punctuation, and joined the last two lines, one thought, one question, and made the grammar more coherent.
Just a couple of nit-picky details, hope you don´t mind. A very well done poem over all! I liked it very much.
jaguey

Okay, i want to first thank you for your appreciation and the help you lend in correcting me, i welcome it like i do any comment and even better if you are trying to help me better my ability to write, thank you. Believe it or not, i thought of making some of the changes you suggest, specially the one with the question marks and the periods. The one where the word or verb "discolor" was used, I meant to say that the lies that love has, take away the color from your intent, and i believe that is the best way of using it, but then again, i am not a literature major so.. honestly, feel free to go ahead and change what you think is best for describing what i just pointed out if you think is necessary, i don't mind a single iota , thank you Jaguey.

poroeta dijo:

Okay, i want to first thank you for your appreciation and the help you lend in correcting me, i welcome it like i do any comment and even better is you are trying to help me better my ability to write, thank you. Believe it or not, i thought of making some of the changes you suggest, specially the one with the question marks and the periods. The one with the word or verb "discolor" was used, I meant to say that the lies that love has, take away the color from your intent, and i believe that is the best way of using it, but then again, i am not a literature major so.. honestly, feel free to go ahead and change what you think is best for describing what i just pointed out, if you think is necessary, i don't mind a single iota , thank you Jaguey.

Haz clic para expandir...

Ah, I get your meaning now... it's not the word that had me confused so much as an unclear connection between lies and discoloring. Very good. What would make this perfect is to strengthen the reference between lies and what they do... the connection isn't quite obvious. A good way to see this is to take away all the trappings, the extra words, and pare the sentence down to its elemental details to see what's missing:

taste the joys that life provides us,
feed on its lies, rainbow colored,
in the end discolor...your innocent intent.

cut this back to subject, verb, object:

(you) taste joys,
(you) feed on lies,

and thence the reader assumes:

(you) discolor your intent.

"you" in parenteses is understood, and doesn't need to be written in the poem, it's only for explicatory purposes.
Who or what is the agent that does the discoloring? The lies or the person?
To make the relationship more clear, I suggest the word "that" in correct placement:

taste the joys that life provides us,
feed on its lies, rainbow colored,
that in the end discolor...your innocent intent.

So here you have "lies that discolor"

Now, having said that, if in place of "that" you put "and", then you show the person, the subject of the poem, as being the discoloring agent:

and in the end (you) discolor... your innocent intent.

This connects the lies to the act of discoloring very clearly, or alternatively connects the person to the act of discoloring, and it doesn't seem to mess up the meter or impede the flow of thought.

Hope my explanation isn't too convoluted, it's actually a very satisfying poem, I think you have some of the best English in this forum.
Un abrazo,
Dylan

I believe i understand complitely what you are saying, and i agree that it will help the message i am trying to convey in that verse. Having read the explanation of your idea the first time, i was ready to give up on understanding what you meant (cause my brain works on kilo-neurons and not megas or gigas  ), but i didn't and i finally got your point, and i am going to edit my poem to fit that understanding, thank you again, i owe you one.

My poor english doesn't let me understand poetry as I want but I can feel well this poem, love is love in spanish or english , I also enjoyed the thread with jaguey.

Very good poem.
Miguel

Thank you Nangel, i appreciate your reading my poem and i appreciate your comment. I would like to point out that i believe some of the things love says to us, or gives us are LIES, but compared to the benefits we receive from it, they are close to nothing, because i also believe that love encircles and gives more meaning to ALL the benefits that life and nature has for us, THAT i believe , thank you again.

Gracias Nangel, aprecio que hayas leido mi poema y tambien que hayas comentado, me gustaria decir que creo que algunas cosas que el amor nos dice o nos da son MENTIRAS, pero comparado con los beneficios que recibimos de el, esas mentiras son casi nada, porque tambien creo que el amor abarca y le da mas significado a TODOS los beneficios que la vida y naturaleza tienen para nosotros, ESO yo creo , gracias de nuevo.

poroeta dijo:

Thank you Nangel, i appreciate your reading my poem and i appreciate your comment. I would like to point out that i believe some of the things love says to us, or gives us are LIES, but compared to the benefits we receive from it, they are close to nothing, because i also believe that love encircles and gives more meaning to ALL the benefits that life and nature has for us, THAT i believe , thank you again.

Gracias Nangel, aprecio que hayas leido mi poema y tambien que hayas comentado, me gustaria decir que creo que algunas cosas que el amor nos dice o nos da son MENTIRAS, pero comparado con los beneficios que recibimos de el, esas mentiras son casi nada, porque tambien creo que el amor abarca y le da mas significado a TODOS los beneficios que la vida y naturaleza tienen para nosotros, ESO yo creo , gracias de nuevo.

Haz clic para expandir...

All you need is love sang the beatles, is true. Love is sometimes bad for us but this is because when you fall in love you become stupid then you can't see normal your life, after that love is different and it become to be the most important thing for you, but quietly. I think this is a real love and the most important thing: if you have right partner love will be great. Unhappily when you choose partner is when you are in stupid time...

P.s. I don't say word about my bad english anymore. I read and write in english to learn, and I'm doing an effort to communicate in english and you translate for me... I'm afraid my english must seem horrible. JA JAJA!!!

THANKS
Miguel

Say what?!! what in the hell are you trying to say Nangel?!! , i am kidding....is clear to see that your english needs a little work, but as it is, it does wonders to the message you are posting there. Is like you read my mind!, honestly, i agree with you, in order to choose a "good" partner, we have to make sure we are not in that "stupid time" of love...jeje, we should  wait til our heads are screwed-in good on our shoulders (so to speak), thank you again Nangel, i can see we both speak the same language in love.

My boooossss! LOL! Hi it's a pleasure for me to read your poetry. I'd never read something yours in english, you write incredibly good in both languages. Congratulations!

Hugs,
mmm... La Mariposa Arrabalera jiji

Very good poem of disillucion and pain.
I also enjoyed the back and forth discution between you and Jaguey, very illustrative for all of us, thank you guys.
Congratulations.
Alaric.